rejection | Adele Wilde Counselling

September 13, 2016

Attention from others is a basic and essential human need. Attention in the form of recognition, understanding, and acceptance are essential for us to thrive both psychologically and physically. Often this desire for acceptance is matched by a fear of not receiving understanding and acceptance, thus justifying the creation of a strategy of hiding our true selves and creating a driving force that keeps us from being authentic. Not sufficiently getting the experience of being understood, validated, accepted, considered, and appreciated, as we are, can lead to feelings of shame and unworthiness that then creates a sensitivity to having the feeling of being rejected. The desire for acceptance and the fear of rejection informs many of the actions in our lives and the way we live and interact.

The fear of rejection can affect a person’s choice in many areas including;

Intimate interpersonal and marital relationships
Level of education
Types of career choices
Level of achievement and ambition
Choice of leisure activities
Our behaviour at work
Family relationships
Our role in community life

Some degree of refusal (which may be experienced as rejection) and actual rejection, from others is an inevitable part of life. Nevertheless, rejection becomes problematic when it is prolonged or frequent, when the source of rejection is an important person in our lives, or when one already has a particular sensitivity to rejection. The person experiencing rejection, can feel that they earned the rejection as a result of some fault in their personality, or deficiency in their physical attributes, or because they could not be all they were expected to be.

The consequences of the chronic experience of rejection can be low self esteem, depression, loneliness, aggression, a heightened sensitivity to future rejection, and a tendency to be self-critical and self-rejecting, and then critical and rejecting of others in turn.

The most important origin of rejection fear is the experience of being rejected in childhood by parents and parenting figures (grandparents, older siblings, teachers etc). This rejection may be in the form of outright hostility, neglect due to lack of interest or lack of parenting ability, or, more commonly, parents not understanding their child intuitively – not being ‘tuned-in’.

Additional causes of rejection fear may include a specific early traumatic experience of loss (such as the loss of a parent) or rejection, being abandoned when young, being repeatedly bullied or ridiculed, having a physical condition that either makes you different or you believe makes you unattractive to others.

Experiences in adult life that can exacerbate feelings of being rejected might include job loss or career setback, experiencing one’s self as not being smart enough, not competent, not financially established enough, not physically attractive enough. As well there are pressure situations where outcomes are important but unknown, such that we are potentially vulnerable. For example, first dates, meeting new people, job interviews, important business dealings, getting married, having a baby.

Some common mal-adaptive coping strategies when dealing with a fear of rejection are:

People pleasing – you may find it impossible to say no, even if this makes your life more difficult. You may be spending a lot of time doing things you don’t really want to do. You may have an excessive work load or burden that can lead to burnout.

Unassertiveness – difficulty or refusal to speak up for yourself, or to ask for what you want or need. Avoiding confrontation is common for people fearing rejection. Those fearing rejection pretend that their own needs are unimportant or don’t matter, and so attempt to shut down or shut out those needs.

Passive Aggressive behaviours – not comfortable with their ‘real’ selves, but still needing to express in some way their own needs. Behaviour includes; chronic complaining, breaking or ‘forgetting’ promises, procrastination, and not fulfilling or efficiently completing work taken on.

Being Inauthentic – Many of those who fear rejection are afraid to present their ‘real’ selves to the world and adopt an ‘as-if’ persona. They assume a way of behaving or being around others that is unauthentic. Often highly monitored and scripted, those fearing rejection, hide behind a mask believing that they will be rejected if they show their ‘true’ self.

Distancing/selfsufficiency – One of the ways we protect against the fear of rejection is by keeping an emotional distance from others. The distant person maintains a mask of aloofness and invulnerability, which prevents others making intimate contact with him; he thus avoids being rejected at the price of avoiding intimacy. The lie he lives by is “I don’t need or want anybody.” He essentially feels unloveworthy and responds to this belief with lonely self-sufficiency. He makes a virtue out of being stoically “independent” or dependent only on himself. He believes he should not reach out because there is no one really there. To confirm this belief he rejects (minimises or devalues) interest, concern, and affection shown or offered.

The problem with these strategies against possible rejection is that they tend to be self-fulfilling as they make longed for acceptance and closeness impossible, they maintain feelings of not belonging and being rejected or rejectable. Achieving healthy fulfilling living involves being open to others, and therefore includes the risk of rejection. One may hold the belief, that the avoidance of the rewards of nurturing contact and intimacy, is a fair price to pay for the avoidance of pain. This belief results in living in an emotional desert.

The only resolution is the reducing of the fear and shame surrounding needing and receiving from others. To avoid internalizing your experience of rejection, you need to proactively make a choice to start to face your fears, and to begin to share yourself more. In doing so, you can reduce feelings of aloneness. As you face your fears and share the emotions that arise as a result of your experience, you are sure to encounter others with similar stories. The realization that you are not alone in the ways you experience rejection, can in itself reduce the feelings of shame and aloneness. Often times taking action can be a powerful way of moving through fear, and sometimes it can be quicker than you may imagine. When we avoid what we fear, our anxieties are apt to worsen over time. Many people shy away from taking healthy risks for fear of appearing ridiculous, foolish and deeply ashamed. Fear when faced, more often than not does not produce the previous feared outcome, or is nowhere near as dreadful as imagined, but the deeply felt negative consequences of not acting can be debilitating. Sometimes we may need support from others in order to explore, dissipate or conquer those fears.

If you are currently struggling with rejection and the fear or anxiety around this issue, it may be helpful for you to work through this with a therapist, in order to address these fears effectively.

If you are feeling overwhelmed with fear of being rejected, talking through the issues with someone supportive and empathetic can be a great first step towards positive change. If you would like to chat further about mechanism to overcome fear of rejection please feel free to contact me.

Family Estrangement

September 13, 2016

Estrangement refers to the process of treating someone known as if they were a stranger. It means to turn off feelings of affection, to keep at a distance, to alienate. In families it refers to the termination of connection with someone who is too difficult or hurtful. Generally, someone is cut off because they are recognised as offering nothing of relational value. Estrangement comes out of unmet expectations or other disruptions in a relationship.

Factors that can lead to family estrangement, or act as a catalyst, include disputes in the areas of trust, safety, chronic conflict, various forms of abuse, betrayal, divorce, remarriage, addictions, mental illness, criminal behaviour, and disapproval/intolerance of the way another lives. Estrangement within the family can be between any of the members, partner from partner, parent from child, sibling from sibling, grandparent from child, aunt/uncle from niece/nephew etc.

Relationships should be both easy and difficult. It is easy if there is mutual respect, good-will, trust (reality-based), feelings of attraction such as liking or loving. That is, an appreciation of self and other. These are prerequisites for a relationship. The difficult part of a relationship involves the movement towards increasing intimacy and honesty and caring. Central to this is a willingness to allow one’s vulnerability and recognise and respect the other’s vulnerability. When basics are missing rifts can easily develop, especially where the relationships are not chosen, such as between family members. Even in the best circumstances being in a family can be demanding and challenging.

Estranged from ‘loved ones’ can occur following a fight or important disagreement, or, more likely, a series of ongoing fights or disagreements. Personal difficulties with attachment to others can be expressed in many ways. For example, a family member finding conflict or differences intolerable, feels the need to fix or resolve conflicts in order not to fell overwhelming anxiety. Other people are sensitive to feeling misunderstood, or disapproved of, or kept at a distance they don’t feel ok with (too close or too far).

Estrangement causes a particular form of grief, in that hope is often held out for a reparation in the relationship, thus keeping the pain and grief active and ongoing. A repeating pattern of interaction in which expectations followed by disappointment and frustration when those expectations are unmet, maintain a running sore of grief.

Family estrangement is usually painful for everyone involved, including people involved from outside the family. The reasons for estrangement are, at one level, understandable. Understandable if the view of only one party is listened too. One side can usually present a coherent picture as to why then have cut off the other party. But when the views of both sides are considered, irreconcilible differences emerge. Very different versions of what is happening are presented. Both sides are, of course, self-evidently right to the one holding a position or view, and the other is self-evidently wrong or bad. The views of the other seem incomprehensible to those on the other side of the estrangement divide.

In a situation where a group of family members cut off another family member, such as when children refuse to have contact with a parent, these family members have been, or feel they have been, emotionally mistreated by the member they are rejecting. Often the manifest causes of people going off speaking terms are not even discussed, or if they are, they are usually still inexplicable to the person who is dismissed from the relationship.

Most people want to have a family to which they feel close attachment and feel supported and nourished by. The person initiating estrangement within a family feels the lose in this breakup, even as they experience the relief of not having to deal with one causing them pain.

Once hurtful things are said (no matter how truthfully, sensitively, or sincerely put) and positions harden, repairing of breaches can be difficult. Usually the ostrasized family member, will want desparately to repair the family as the pain of family isolation is painful. Guilt, shame, sadness, and loneliness drive the need for reconciliation.

If you are considering trying to reconcile with a family member you are estranged from , it is prudent to consider why you are doing so. Remember why you withdrew from the relationship in the first place. Has anything changed that leads you to think that relations can be better in the future? Did you really ‘just make a mistake’? Is forgiveness relevant if the one you separated from is likely to commit the same offences that drove you away in the first place? It may be that you need to carefully weigh up if it is worth re-starting the relationship. Ask yourself, why it is that you want reconnect now, and what it is that you might be hoping for should you reconnect.

If you are the apparently rejected one, do you trust the reasons why the rejector wishes to repair the relationship? Did that person have good reasons for rejecting you in the first place? Are you even interested in reconnecting? Is there anything in it for you? Sometimes people who cut us off aren’t the best people to continue to have in our lives, in other words, they may have done you a favour.

It can be overwhelming and scary to consider repairing an estranged relationship, and is usually more difficult than the cutting of ties was. Fear is a major hurdle for estranged people; fear presents as reluctance, anger, shame, avoidance, confused and uncertain boundaries, reactivity, defensiveness, running away. It is difficult to move forward with estrangement until we can stay present with fear. When we are able to sit with fear (and other feelings) and ride it safely to the other side, we learn that we can survive our worst fears; we learn we can change. Often estranged people have an uneasy relationship with change, change is usually difficult, and therefore resolving estrangement feels out of their control.

It is a platitude that we don’t get to choose our family, but as adults we can decide who is in our lives. Therefore family relationships occupy a unique position in everyone’s lives. On the one hand there is a challenge in coping with who I have been allocated in the same way that there is a challenge in dealing with the genes that I have been born with. On the other I can take the view that I can chose who is in my life. However, family membership is more complex than that, and is less chosen than we might like to think. Estrangement does not automatically end the connection and produce happiness. It leaves a vacancy, a space, a shadow, which can be ignored, but is not forgotten.

If you are feeling estranged, talking through the issues with someone supportive and empathetic can be a great first step towards building strong family ties. If you would like to chat further about family estrangement please feel free to contact me.

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Fear of Rejection

Family Estrangement