Adele Wilde Counselling

Workplace Stress and Anxiety

September 20, 2016

Are you experiencing any of the following work-related stressors?

Heavy work load, time pressure, deadlines
Bad management practices
Role conflict
Lack of support
Organisation culture
Low control (with low autonomy and authority)
Low rewards (money, esteem, career or promotional opportunities)
Long hours
Management change
Physical work environment
Work relationships (poor relationships with colleagues or bosses)
Harassment
Crisis incidents, such as workplace death or armed holdups
Duty changes
Over supervision
Insufficient skills for the job
Job insecurity
Discrimination

Life places demands on all of us that stretch our personal psychological resources. A manageable degree of stress makes us stronger and generally matures us. A level of stress that is at the limit of, or beyond, one’s resources to cope with can lead to such a degree of anxiety that physical and emotional health is threatened or damaged. The workplace is an arena where there can be stressful dynamics and situations. This stress can lead to serious levels of anxiety that can become chronic and feel overwhelming.

What one person may perceive as stressful, another may view as challenging. Whether a person experiences work related stress depends on factors such as the job, the person’s psychological make-up, general health and personal life.

Some of the more common symptoms of workplace anxiety include:

Avoidance of tasks relating to giving presentations, contributing verbally at meetings, returning phone calls. Also, avoidance can be behind not completing tasks, missing deadlines, procrastination, distraction, loss of interest in work, not attending work social events, taking an increasing number of days off.
Physical and psychological symptoms including sleep problems, excessive fatigue, mood swings, trouble concentrating, social withdrawal, experiencing shortness of breath and racing heart when thinking of work, headaches and muscle tension, stomach problems, feeling unusually emotional –tearful, angry, or irritable, pessimistic, depressed, feeling overwhelmed and unable to cope, using alcohol or drugs in order to cope.
Obsessing and worrying that your mind will go blank or you will fail in some way when, for example, talking with the boss, giving presentations, or during performance appraisals. One may obsess about blushing, sweating, stammering, or appearing noticeably nervous. One may start obsessing about a particular task, trying to get it just right to the point that the task gets more attention than it deserves.

Anxiety is a fear-based response that may be triggered when we feel confronted with situations in life that threaten us in some way. A threat, (real or imagined) which is not resolved quickly, can lead to a chronic state of anxiety. A chronic anxiety state will inevitably take its toll on one’s happiness, productivity, energy level, rationality, and capability. One becomes controlled by anxiety and stress. Sometimes such stress causes perceptions to become distorted and a form of mild paranoia with feelings of persecution can develop.

Workplace stress and anxiety often carries over into a person’s personal life, and can affect relationships outside the workplace.

Avoidance is a common response to anxiety. Anxiety leading to avoidance behaviours in the workplace though, can have consequences both on a personal level and for the organisation.

The loss to the individual may include, missed opportunities for professional advancement, financial loss, decreased personal wellbeing and self-esteem, and deteriorated professional relationships. For the organisation, a stressed and anxious workforce usually means lower productivity.

If you are feeling overwhelmed, and concerned about the level of anxiety you are experiencing in your work life, talking through the issues with someone supportive and empathetic can be a first step toward dealing with the anxiety. If you would like to chat further about workplace stress and anxiety please feel free to contact me.

Counselling

The Fly In Fly Out Lifestyle

September 20, 2016

Since the end of the 1980’s, Australia has experienced a resources boom that has seen thousands of families impacted by fly in fly out (FIFO) work. The FIFO lifestyle involves workers flying to non-residential based gas, oil and mining operations to work ten to fourteen hour shifts for two to six weeks at a time. Whilst the financial gains from this type of work are substantial, the undesirable impact this type of work is having on individuals, couples, and family units is becoming hard to ignore.

The FIFO lifestyle often sees workers flying out to stay in remote locations with hundreds of other men and women in basic, but fully serviced accommodation, working long hours with the opportunity to wind down after a long shift at the “wet mess” with other co-workers. This lifestyle is often far removed from the life they lead at home with partners and children.

Ways FIFO Work Impacts Families

Relationships become strained due to the distance between the couple
One parent often takes on the role of single parent
Children are impacted emotionally spending time looking forward to Mum or Dad’s return and then having to say good bye again. This is especially hard during the early transition period of
FIFO when they may not have been separated from a parent for an extended period of time.
FIFO workers find it difficult to adjust from single life to family life
Both partners need down time, time with each other, and time with their children. This can be very difficult to juggle as the parent who stays at home with the children needs some time out from being a single parent and the FIFO worker needs time to wind down after working such long hours.

Ways You Can Stay Connected in Couple Relationships

Prior to starting FIFO work couples need to be realistic about the impact this type of work is going to have on the family. For this lifestyle to be managed successfully it is beneficial for couples to discuss how they will approach things such as social life, parenting, contact with each other (and children) during the period away. It is also important to discuss the expectations that the whole family has about how life is going to be when the partner who works away returns home. For example who will transport children to and from school? How much time will be allocated to friends and extended family? Will there be nights for just the two of you to go to dinner or have time out together? If these expectations are discussed in a logical and practical way, it could reduce the level of stress and disappointment. It is also important that these discussions continue to ensure the arrangements are still working for the both of you.

Tips for the partner who is working away

Provide your partner with your roster so they know when you will be available to talk.
Provide your partner with an emergency number where they can reach you if required.
Organise times that you will call your family to ensure they are home and able to speak for undisturbed periods of time.
Do not take on additional shifts or a change of roster without first discussing this with your partner to ensure they will be able to cope with the changes.
Allow ‘date nights’ or ‘couple time’ when both partners are home to reconnect with each other (away from the children if you have them).
Discuss what you need from your time off from work with your partner. For example: FIFO workers need plenty of sleep and recuperation time.

If you have children

Recognise that your partner has established boundaries and rules with the children while you are away. It is important that these rules and boundaries remain in place when you are home. Be clear on what they are and provide support to your partner by ensuring that you remain a parent and have fun with your children while not let the rules go.
Recognise that your stay-at-home partner will be taking on a single parent role while you are away and that they may need time out. Discuss possible social activities that your partner could engage in while you are away. This can assist in reducing insecurities. Also recognise that the stay-at-home parent will need some down time when you are home, so make time to take the children out in order to provide your partner with this opportunity.

Spend plenty of time with your children. FIFO work can take a toll on them emotionally, and they will, in most circumstances, look forward to your return for weeks on end.
Make an effort to speak to your children (especially if they are young) as often as possible, preferably before their sleeping times.

Ways FIFO Work Impacts Individuals

Working away can cause a sense of isolation that can lead to depression.
This isolation and time away from partner can lead to fantasies about partner being unfaithful or not interested leading to insecurities.
Difficulties forming new relationships if single. Meeting someone and then having to fly out for several weeks makes it difficult for romantic relationships to form.
Binge drinking and/or recreational drug use is a feature of FIFO lifestyles.
FIFO workers often experience changes in mood. This mood can be low at the end of the work block and can remain low for a couple of days on returning home until the worker is rested and settled in again. It is not unusual for some workers to begin to feel low again a few days before heading back to work. Usually this will settle, but sometimes for some workers the low mood will remain until they are home again.
Fatigue is often experienced during work hours due to very long shifts. This leads to the need for extended recovery time once home.
Missing significant events such as birthdays and weddings can result in feelings of exclusion and increase feelings of isolation or depression.
Often high levels of stress whilst on the job with little means of support can result in increased drinking at the “wet mess” and a build-up of emotions.
Struggling to feel part of the community due to long stretches away.
A sense of not ‘belonging’ anymore, including family, friends and environment. This can be especially so for those workers spending six weeks away and much less time back home.

Ways for Individuals to Stay Connected and Make the most of FIFO

Stay in touch with friends and family while away, including skype, phone and email.
Make plans before leaving or while you are away to catch up with people on your return and commit to these plans where possible.
Talk with a trusted friend or family member about your concerns or any difficulties you are experiencing whilst working in a FIFO position, or seek professional support.
Continue activities that you are able to pick up again when back home such as fishing, golfing, boating, movies, concerts, etc. Part time study online can often fill time while on site, can provide you with an interesting new challenge, or add to your career prospects.
Draw on the experience of other FIFO workers who understand the challenges that go with the job both onsite and offsite.
Maintain as healthy a lifestyle as possible. This can be beneficial to you both physically and emotionally.
Putting some goals in place can often be helpful in maintaining a sense of purpose. For example, use this period of your life to become financially secure in order to finance any dreams you may have, such as owning your own home, setting yourself up into a new business, or planning for a comfortable retirement. Assume FIFO is not necessarily viable in the long run.
Don’t over commit yourself on returning from work, especially if already exhausted; take time to recover in order to fully enjoy the events and time off you have been looking forward to.

If you are feeling overwhelmed and concerned about how a fly-in fly-out career is effecting your lifestyle, talking through the issues with someone supportive and empathetic can be a first step towards positive change. If you would like to chat further about mechanism and solutions to dealing with this issue, please feel free to contact me.

Counselling

Shame

September 20, 2016

Shame refers to feelings ranging from mild everyday embarrassment to the acute states of panic and paralysis that most or all of us have experienced at one time or another in our lives – and that some of us experience chronically. Strong shame involves a sense of personal inadequacy in which I am not going to measure up, that I will be shown as deficient (or possibly too much) in some important way. The experience of shame in extreme forms has a way of cutting to the bone of our sense of basic worth and capacity to survive and cope, a kind of background feeling that underlies other feelings and experience. When we are in extreme shame we are in a state of great vulnerability, and even have the potential to become self destructive and/or harmful to others. Alternatively, profound moments of shame can cause paralysis and inability to act and respond, particularly an inability to speak up. At a more chronic level shame can underlie feelings of powerlessness and passivity.

Shame is about the whole self and is distinctly different from guilt, which is often about the transgression of a personal value. In shame one feels naked, lacking in dignity and worth. Shame is often the failure to live up to an ideal image of oneself. We feel shame about being seen as ‘weak’ or ‘worthless’. People don’t actually feel low self-esteem; rather they feel ashamed, worthless, acutely embarrassed. The shamed person feels exposed, defective, diminished, or even has the experience of feeling totally destroyed. The behavioural response, when in a shamed state, is often an impulse to hide, to break eye contact, so as to avoid being seen. Shame is often referred to as ‘losing face’. The linguistic roots of shame are to hide or cover up.

Guilt, on the other hand, generally involves a breach of personal values of right and wrong. Guilt is about something one has done, whereas shame is about whom one is, about oneself not being good enough. We are ashamed about who we are. In guilt we can take action to remove the guilt by making reparation. In shame there is no way to redeem oneself. The shamed person is stuck and immobile until the episode passes.

A sense of shame involves concepts such as ‘self esteem’, ‘defeated dejection’, ‘defective self’, and ‘mortification of being exposed’. Hopelessness and lethargy can reflect an underlying state of chronic shamefulness. Shame is the consequence of well-established self-critical judgments, or deeply held self-critical beliefs, about our perceived or assumed failures and defects. This sense of defectiveness may be out of awareness much or some of the time, and can be activated by external events such as criticism or rejection by others. This activated shame is felt as the experience of being exposed in ways we do not want to be exposed. Exposure can be contrasted to the experience of being seen, which is the nourishing experience of feeling understood and appreciated.

When we feel ashamed we feel a loss of connection to others. A feeling of worthlessness leads to a belief that we are of lesser value in the eyes of the other. This has an important effect in our relationships with others, particularly our loved ones such as life partners.

When there is a sense of personal inadequacy (e.g. doubts about one’s loveableness) in one’s significant relationships there can be a tendency to favor the surface over the depths; we become preoccupied with the appearance of the relationship rather than its reality. We seek the pretty still life picture rather than the truth. This then leads to confusion as to the difference between looking like something and being something. Relationships become dishonest and empty rather than rich and fulfilling. Such shame-based relationships often feature a marked tendency to blaming, either self or other, for personal unhappiness within the relationship, or to clinging and putting-up-with. When relationships like this end (such as in bad divorce settlements) they are often marked by bitterness and a desire for revenge, one-up-man-ship, and winning more than the other.

One can talk about types of shame:

Adaptive or ‘healthy’ shame.
Feeling overexposed or embarrassed – violation of personal standards
Maladaptive or ‘unhealthy’ shame
Worthlessness, humiliation, inferiority, unlovable – becomes chronic, global, core self-experience
Secondary shame
Transient internalised negative self-evaluations, situation – specific (e.g. self-contempt for having been a coward)
Shame-related secondary emotions

Anxiety and rage – shame avoidance strategies

So, in summary, the salient characteristics of shame are personal diminishment, break in connection to important others, and paranoia.

It is generally shameful to feel shame, so it is one of the least acknowledged, and hardest to acknowledge, feeling states. Because we don’t speak about shame, we often don’t recognize it and hence have no way to help ourselves see how much influence it is having on our personal and public life.

If you are feeling overwhelmed, and concerned about shame, talking through the issues with someone supportive and empathetic can be a first step towards positive change. If you would like to chat further about shame, please feel free to contact me.

Counselling

Life after divorce

September 20, 2016

If you are going through a divorce you may already be aware that it is one of the most difficult things you can do in life, even if the separation was an amicable one. For many people separation and divorce can be a painful business. Divorce brings up many emotions and feelings that surface when faced with loss, rejection and uncertainty.

People who are going through the breakup of their marriage can experience feelings and emotions such as anger, despair, sadness, guilt, loneliness, disbelief, fear, and anxiety. Some may feel numb or be disconnected from feeling. Often there is an accompanying sense of shame and embarrassment; a sense of deep failure when a marriage ends.

Other responses to the trauma of separation and divorce include physical pain and somatic illnesses, mood swings, fatigue, depression, weight gain or loss, nausea, poor concentration and sleep problems.

The decision to separate may bring major changes in the lives of all family members. Children are especially vulnerable as their lives have suddenly become less reliable, which in turn can result in a child feeling anxious and fearful, (especially of abandonment), confused, angry and lonely. The transition into a new family life situation can initially seem frightening and be unsettling for a child until a new, and often very different routine can be established. Children will sometimes feel rejected by the parent who has moved out, or may feel that their loyalties are divided, feeling pulled in both directions by parents whom they often accurately perceive to be in battle with each other.

Learning how to manage life after divorce can be hard. You are possibly now faced with issues that in the past were not issues to be considered with the same emphasis or significance. Areas that can cause stress and worry are those concerning child custody/ access, separating finances, new living arrangements, children’s schooling and/or day care arrangements, thinking about new work hours or studying for a new career, and often learning to cope with less financially. Often when moving to another area there is the added concern and challenge of making new friends and networks. All of these new considerations can at first be challenging, if not exhausting especially when coupled with the range of emotions you and your family will possibly be experiencing.

Counselling during and after separation and divorce can help you deal with these issues and any new feelings you are experiencing. An experienced therapist can support you through these difficulties, helping you to regain the strength and confidence you may have lost since your marriage ended.

Divorce can be an opportunity to rediscover ourselves, what is currently important to us in our lives, and perhaps the chance to look forward to new and greater things not before imagined. Recovering from the emotional blow of divorce, although painful, can in time be a strengthening and rewarding experience, a challenge and a time of exceptional growth.

Talking through a divorce with someone supportive and empathetic can be an excellent first step towards overcoming the emotion blow of a break-up. If you would like to chat further, please feel free to contact me.

Counselling

Jealousy

September 20, 2016

Jealousy is often described as an intense and extremely painful feeling. It encompasses a range of emotions including anger, fear, loss, betrayal, abandonment, grief and humiliation, and those experiencing it can feel as if their minds have been thrown into turmoil. Jealousy can be triggered when the threat of separation or loss of a romantic partner is attributed to the possibility of the partner’s interest in another person. Jealousy is the fear of losing something (affection, fidelity, future) or someone you ‘believed’ to be yours. Whether the cause is real or imagined, jealousy always hurts and often obliterates rational thought, leading to behaviour that can create a self fulfilling prophecy by pushing away the person most desired or needed.

People can experience different types of jealousy, which are evident in everyday activities and settings such as, platonic relationships, work situations, in families, in romantic relationships.

Romantic Jealousy – Occurs when one partner feels that their partner is paying attention to, or has a romantic interest in someone else. Someone else showing an interest in your partner can also give rise to jealousy.

Sexual Jealousy – When a significant other shows sexual interest in another person.

Platonic Jealousy – This form of jealousy is seen in friendships, and is similar to romantic jealousy, in that there is the fear of being replaced by a perceived or real third party.

Workplace Jealousy – is not uncommon, and especially between colleagues who share similar positions, and who may be aiming for the same promotions etc. Employees can also be sensitive to positive feedback given to the other when they think they are more deserving of the praise.

For many people the experience of jealousy includes:

Feeling angry and suspicious about a perceived betrayal
Insecurity and doubts about a partner’s fidelity
Insecurity within self
Sadness, uncertainty, and loneliness
Fear of loss of a relationship, and in particular losing the loved one
to another person
Feeling bad about oneself, low self esteem
Loss of trust
Making assumptions, imagining and being totally consumed by thoughts about partner’s whereabouts, and perceived interest in another
‘Clinginess’ (clinging to partner) possessiveness and controlling behaviours
Anxiety and low mood
Making accusations
Loss of interest in other areas of life usually enjoyed

Anthropologists have suggested that jealousy varies across cultures. What our culture teaches us can influence or determine those situations that trigger jealousy and the ways in which we express our jealousy.

Jealousy comes about due to the insecurity of the jealous person whether justified or not. The higher the level of insecurity or instability, the higher the level of jealousy. Jealousy goes right to the core of the self and its roots are deep, it can’t just be pushed away. Someone who is insecure within themselves can often be the destabilizing partner within a relationship. They are not only jealous of a perceived romantic other, but of any kind of friendship including a child or family member, anything that takes their partner’s attention away from them.

It is important to differentiate between ‘normal’ jealousy and ‘delusional’ jealousy. Normal jealousy has its basis in reality- a real threat to a relationship, whereas delusional jealousy has no basis in reality- there is an absence of any real threat or likely threat. A little bit of jealousy may be normal for a relationship especially in the early stages before trust has had time to develop. It can also be seen as a measure of caring and commitment, but not if extreme.

People who are experiencing jealousy feel a sense of inadequacy, which is uncomfortable and difficult to bear. Their discomfort is often converted into displays of behaviour that include anger, arguing, accusing, distrusting , searching through partners belongings, including mobile phones, and interrogating. They are looking for reassurance or confirmation of betrayal. These behaviours often result in pushing the partner further away.

We are capable of changing our behaviour by recognizing how we are behaving and realising what is normal and abnormal for us in regard to our feelings. By examining the roots of your jealous feelings, you can make change and learn how to cope more effectively. Jealousy can be a trigger for growth both personally and within the relationship, the outcome being increased self awareness, and greater understanding of both you and your partner, and your relationship. Jealousy can serve as a valuable sign for that we need to look inward and consider our self worth and self awareness. This in turn can only lead to improved relationships. It can sometimes be the case that jealousy appears to say more about the jealous person than the misbehaviour of the partner.

You can insure against excessive jealousy by nurturing your relationship and taking time to be together. Spend time talking to your mate even when apart. Instead of assuming the worst, share your feelings and thoughts and communicate in ways that are not hostile or blaming of the other. Effective communication of feelings and concerns can facilitate solutions, change and greater understanding in relationships

If you need help to make sense of a jealousy, either individually or as a couple, please feel free to contact me.

Counselling

Homesickness in Adults

September 20, 2016

Homesickness is an emotional state of mind, where the affected person experiences intense feelings of longing due to separation from home environment and loved ones. The feelings that are most identified with homesickness are nostalgia, grief, depression, anxiety, sadness, and withdrawal.

People live away from home for many reasons including, emigration, work opportunities (includes fly in fly out workers and 457 visas), study, sport, armed forces, leaving home as a refugee, marrying someone from a different country to your own and moving there, volunteering, and planned extensive travel. Physical illness can also see people having to move to climates that are better suited to their physical needs and also specialist services.

Homesickness occurs during a time of change and is a natural response to loss and adjustment, usually a normal process experienced by many adults living or travelling away from home. Even though we may have chosen to move or travel to new places, we may still feel homesick. It can take time to adjust to new surroundings, and as humans we naturally tend to resist change; we are attached to familiar surroundings. As we grieve the loss of the familiar and the usual sources of support, we may become insecure and find it difficult to function as usual. Sometimes the insecurity and loneliness, the longing for the familiar, can become overwhelming. Without our usual framework of support, tasks that have normally been easy can suddenly seem like a challenge, and sometimes impossible as we battle with the emotion and physical symptoms experienced through homesickness.

Homesickness can affect us both mentally and physically. The time taken, and degree of difficulty we experience in adapting to a new environment, differs for each person. There are mixed emotions as we struggle to adopt and appreciate our new situation, and loosen the strings that maintain our attachment to home and the familiar.

What are some of the Signs of Homesickness

Feeling sad, lonely, helpless
Depressed, depressive thoughts
Anxiety
Panic attacks
Sense of insecurity
Frequent mood swings
Feeling that we don’t belong.
Wanting to leave.
Crying as we think of and miss home
Loss of appetite
Lack of concentration at work/studies
Loss of confidence
Not being able to enjoy fully
Loss of motivation/enthusiasm
Simple tasks become difficult and challenging
Social withdrawal and an unwillingness to engage in and commit to
social events
Irritability/ complaining
Sleep disturbance
Isolating
Physical illness as a result of excessive mental stress or poor diet
Headaches/stomachaches
Nausea
Fatigue/lethargy

Often recognising that the cause of negative emotions is usually the result of a transition instead of the new situation itself, can be crucial in adjusting our outlook and gaining perspective.

Homesickness can affect people of all ages, in many situations. It is not unusual for some people to feel homesick after only a few days away, and also not something to feel ashamed of.

Ways in Which We Can Deal with Homesickness

Allow yourself to feel sad, and have a good cry when needed.
Take care of yourself by eating well, getting enough sleep, and exercising. Establish a routine as soon as possible and create a work, leisure balance.
Attempt to try and connect with others. Give making new friends a chance.
Get involved in new activities, sport, organisations and events.
Explore your surroundings, seek out interesting places, be active and make time to familiarize yourself with your new community. Stepping out of your “homesick zone” by travelling around in a new place can be exciting and educational.
Keep in touch with family and friends regularly by phone, skype, email or letters. You may need to decide whether it’s best for you to have more frequent contact with home (if it makes you feel better) or less contact (if it makes you feel worse). Set up a routine of phone contact with friends and loved ones at home.
Being open to the positive aspects of your new situation, make a list if this helps.
Talk to someone about how you are feeling, a partner, friend, counsellor, or sympathetic colleague.
Keeping familiar things such as photos, favourite possessions etc from home can give you comfort whilst you adjust.
Planning a home visit can often be helpful, although can also be unsettling if going back too often.
Invite your family and friends to come and visit.

The duration and experience of homesickness differs between individuals. Not everyone misses the same thing as another. One person may miss their family and pets, another, their friends or workmates and work environment, and another, the familiar physical or environmental surroundings.

Overcoming homesickness can often feel at first ‘all too hard’ as we attempt to motivate ourselves and be open to the challenge of embracing our new lives away from home. Adult homesickness is usually a temporary phase, although for some, can be long lasting. By attempting to remain positive and involved, whilst allowing yorself the time to grieve and feel whatever emotions arise, homesickness will more often than not fade as you adjust to your new environment.

Talking through homesickness with someone supportive and empathetic can be a great first step towards adjusting to your new environment. If you are feeling lost and need help coping with homesickness, or would just like to chat, please feel free to get in contact with me. I offer both Skype and over the phone counselling sessions to those interstate/overseas.

Counselling

Fear of Rejection

September 13, 2016

Attention from others is a basic and essential human need. Attention in the form of recognition, understanding, and acceptance are essential for us to thrive both psychologically and physically. Often this desire for acceptance is matched by a fear of not receiving understanding and acceptance, thus justifying the creation of a strategy of hiding our true selves and creating a driving force that keeps us from being authentic. Not sufficiently getting the experience of being understood, validated, accepted, considered, and appreciated, as we are, can lead to feelings of shame and unworthiness that then creates a sensitivity to having the feeling of being rejected. The desire for acceptance and the fear of rejection informs many of the actions in our lives and the way we live and interact.

The fear of rejection can affect a person’s choice in many areas including;

Intimate interpersonal and marital relationships
Level of education
Types of career choices
Level of achievement and ambition
Choice of leisure activities
Our behaviour at work
Family relationships
Our role in community life

Some degree of refusal (which may be experienced as rejection) and actual rejection, from others is an inevitable part of life. Nevertheless, rejection becomes problematic when it is prolonged or frequent, when the source of rejection is an important person in our lives, or when one already has a particular sensitivity to rejection. The person experiencing rejection, can feel that they earned the rejection as a result of some fault in their personality, or deficiency in their physical attributes, or because they could not be all they were expected to be.

The consequences of the chronic experience of rejection can be low self esteem, depression, loneliness, aggression, a heightened sensitivity to future rejection, and a tendency to be self-critical and self-rejecting, and then critical and rejecting of others in turn.

The most important origin of rejection fear is the experience of being rejected in childhood by parents and parenting figures (grandparents, older siblings, teachers etc). This rejection may be in the form of outright hostility, neglect due to lack of interest or lack of parenting ability, or, more commonly, parents not understanding their child intuitively – not being ‘tuned-in’.

Additional causes of rejection fear may include a specific early traumatic experience of loss (such as the loss of a parent) or rejection, being abandoned when young, being repeatedly bullied or ridiculed, having a physical condition that either makes you different or you believe makes you unattractive to others.

Experiences in adult life that can exacerbate feelings of being rejected might include job loss or career setback, experiencing one’s self as not being smart enough, not competent, not financially established enough, not physically attractive enough. As well there are pressure situations where outcomes are important but unknown, such that we are potentially vulnerable. For example, first dates, meeting new people, job interviews, important business dealings, getting married, having a baby.

Some common mal-adaptive coping strategies when dealing with a fear of rejection are:

People pleasing – you may find it impossible to say no, even if this makes your life more difficult. You may be spending a lot of time doing things you don’t really want to do. You may have an excessive work load or burden that can lead to burnout.

Unassertiveness – difficulty or refusal to speak up for yourself, or to ask for what you want or need. Avoiding confrontation is common for people fearing rejection. Those fearing rejection pretend that their own needs are unimportant or don’t matter, and so attempt to shut down or shut out those needs.

Passive Aggressive behaviours – not comfortable with their ‘real’ selves, but still needing to express in some way their own needs. Behaviour includes; chronic complaining, breaking or ‘forgetting’ promises, procrastination, and not fulfilling or efficiently completing work taken on.

Being Inauthentic – Many of those who fear rejection are afraid to present their ‘real’ selves to the world and adopt an ‘as-if’ persona. They assume a way of behaving or being around others that is unauthentic. Often highly monitored and scripted, those fearing rejection, hide behind a mask believing that they will be rejected if they show their ‘true’ self.

Distancing/selfsufficiency – One of the ways we protect against the fear of rejection is by keeping an emotional distance from others. The distant person maintains a mask of aloofness and invulnerability, which prevents others making intimate contact with him; he thus avoids being rejected at the price of avoiding intimacy. The lie he lives by is “I don’t need or want anybody.” He essentially feels unloveworthy and responds to this belief with lonely self-sufficiency. He makes a virtue out of being stoically “independent” or dependent only on himself. He believes he should not reach out because there is no one really there. To confirm this belief he rejects (minimises or devalues) interest, concern, and affection shown or offered.

The problem with these strategies against possible rejection is that they tend to be self-fulfilling as they make longed for acceptance and closeness impossible, they maintain feelings of not belonging and being rejected or rejectable. Achieving healthy fulfilling living involves being open to others, and therefore includes the risk of rejection. One may hold the belief, that the avoidance of the rewards of nurturing contact and intimacy, is a fair price to pay for the avoidance of pain. This belief results in living in an emotional desert.

The only resolution is the reducing of the fear and shame surrounding needing and receiving from others. To avoid internalizing your experience of rejection, you need to proactively make a choice to start to face your fears, and to begin to share yourself more. In doing so, you can reduce feelings of aloneness. As you face your fears and share the emotions that arise as a result of your experience, you are sure to encounter others with similar stories. The realization that you are not alone in the ways you experience rejection, can in itself reduce the feelings of shame and aloneness. Often times taking action can be a powerful way of moving through fear, and sometimes it can be quicker than you may imagine. When we avoid what we fear, our anxieties are apt to worsen over time. Many people shy away from taking healthy risks for fear of appearing ridiculous, foolish and deeply ashamed. Fear when faced, more often than not does not produce the previous feared outcome, or is nowhere near as dreadful as imagined, but the deeply felt negative consequences of not acting can be debilitating. Sometimes we may need support from others in order to explore, dissipate or conquer those fears.

If you are currently struggling with rejection and the fear or anxiety around this issue, it may be helpful for you to work through this with a therapist, in order to address these fears effectively.

If you are feeling overwhelmed with fear of being rejected, talking through the issues with someone supportive and empathetic can be a great first step towards positive change. If you would like to chat further about mechanism to overcome fear of rejection please feel free to contact me.

Counselling

Family Estrangement

September 13, 2016

Estrangement refers to the process of treating someone known as if they were a stranger. It means to turn off feelings of affection, to keep at a distance, to alienate. In families it refers to the termination of connection with someone who is too difficult or hurtful. Generally, someone is cut off because they are recognised as offering nothing of relational value. Estrangement comes out of unmet expectations or other disruptions in a relationship.

Factors that can lead to family estrangement, or act as a catalyst, include disputes in the areas of trust, safety, chronic conflict, various forms of abuse, betrayal, divorce, remarriage, addictions, mental illness, criminal behaviour, and disapproval/intolerance of the way another lives. Estrangement within the family can be between any of the members, partner from partner, parent from child, sibling from sibling, grandparent from child, aunt/uncle from niece/nephew etc.

Relationships should be both easy and difficult. It is easy if there is mutual respect, good-will, trust (reality-based), feelings of attraction such as liking or loving. That is, an appreciation of self and other. These are prerequisites for a relationship. The difficult part of a relationship involves the movement towards increasing intimacy and honesty and caring. Central to this is a willingness to allow one’s vulnerability and recognise and respect the other’s vulnerability. When basics are missing rifts can easily develop, especially where the relationships are not chosen, such as between family members. Even in the best circumstances being in a family can be demanding and challenging.

Estranged from ‘loved ones’ can occur following a fight or important disagreement, or, more likely, a series of ongoing fights or disagreements. Personal difficulties with attachment to others can be expressed in many ways. For example, a family member finding conflict or differences intolerable, feels the need to fix or resolve conflicts in order not to fell overwhelming anxiety. Other people are sensitive to feeling misunderstood, or disapproved of, or kept at a distance they don’t feel ok with (too close or too far).

Estrangement causes a particular form of grief, in that hope is often held out for a reparation in the relationship, thus keeping the pain and grief active and ongoing. A repeating pattern of interaction in which expectations followed by disappointment and frustration when those expectations are unmet, maintain a running sore of grief.

Family estrangement is usually painful for everyone involved, including people involved from outside the family. The reasons for estrangement are, at one level, understandable. Understandable if the view of only one party is listened too. One side can usually present a coherent picture as to why then have cut off the other party. But when the views of both sides are considered, irreconcilible differences emerge. Very different versions of what is happening are presented. Both sides are, of course, self-evidently right to the one holding a position or view, and the other is self-evidently wrong or bad. The views of the other seem incomprehensible to those on the other side of the estrangement divide.

In a situation where a group of family members cut off another family member, such as when children refuse to have contact with a parent, these family members have been, or feel they have been, emotionally mistreated by the member they are rejecting. Often the manifest causes of people going off speaking terms are not even discussed, or if they are, they are usually still inexplicable to the person who is dismissed from the relationship.

Most people want to have a family to which they feel close attachment and feel supported and nourished by. The person initiating estrangement within a family feels the lose in this breakup, even as they experience the relief of not having to deal with one causing them pain.

Once hurtful things are said (no matter how truthfully, sensitively, or sincerely put) and positions harden, repairing of breaches can be difficult. Usually the ostrasized family member, will want desparately to repair the family as the pain of family isolation is painful. Guilt, shame, sadness, and loneliness drive the need for reconciliation.

If you are considering trying to reconcile with a family member you are estranged from , it is prudent to consider why you are doing so. Remember why you withdrew from the relationship in the first place. Has anything changed that leads you to think that relations can be better in the future? Did you really ‘just make a mistake’? Is forgiveness relevant if the one you separated from is likely to commit the same offences that drove you away in the first place? It may be that you need to carefully weigh up if it is worth re-starting the relationship. Ask yourself, why it is that you want reconnect now, and what it is that you might be hoping for should you reconnect.

If you are the apparently rejected one, do you trust the reasons why the rejector wishes to repair the relationship? Did that person have good reasons for rejecting you in the first place? Are you even interested in reconnecting? Is there anything in it for you? Sometimes people who cut us off aren’t the best people to continue to have in our lives, in other words, they may have done you a favour.

It can be overwhelming and scary to consider repairing an estranged relationship, and is usually more difficult than the cutting of ties was. Fear is a major hurdle for estranged people; fear presents as reluctance, anger, shame, avoidance, confused and uncertain boundaries, reactivity, defensiveness, running away. It is difficult to move forward with estrangement until we can stay present with fear. When we are able to sit with fear (and other feelings) and ride it safely to the other side, we learn that we can survive our worst fears; we learn we can change. Often estranged people have an uneasy relationship with change, change is usually difficult, and therefore resolving estrangement feels out of their control.

It is a platitude that we don’t get to choose our family, but as adults we can decide who is in our lives. Therefore family relationships occupy a unique position in everyone’s lives. On the one hand there is a challenge in coping with who I have been allocated in the same way that there is a challenge in dealing with the genes that I have been born with. On the other I can take the view that I can chose who is in my life. However, family membership is more complex than that, and is less chosen than we might like to think. Estrangement does not automatically end the connection and produce happiness. It leaves a vacancy, a space, a shadow, which can be ignored, but is not forgotten.

If you are feeling estranged, talking through the issues with someone supportive and empathetic can be a great first step towards building strong family ties. If you would like to chat further about family estrangement please feel free to contact me.

Counselling

Betrayal in Intimate Relationships

September 13, 2016

Learning that your intimate other has been, or is, unfaithful in some significant way can be experienced as a betrayal. A betrayal can be deeply shocking and traumatizing, leaving you wounded, struggling in pain and disbelief. The one you thought you knew and trusted is not the person you believed them to be. You question who is this person and how could they do this. The pain of the betrayal makes it difficult to go on with everyday life. Disorientation, confusion, and overwhelming emotion are the hallmarks of the early stages of having to deal with a new painful reality.

“A trauma is a major negative event or set of events that destroys important assumptions or fundamental beliefs about the world or specific people-in this case, your partner and your relationship. Traumatic events disrupt all parts of your life-your thoughts, feelings and behaviours.”

Becoming aware of a betrayal, such as an affair, or other form of sexual infidelity or romantic infidelity, involves the loss of a reality. This loss, like any significant loss, can lead to depression and anxiety states. The losses brought about by the discovery of an infidelity include loss of innocence, loss of safety and predictability, loss of trust, loss of hopes for your relationship and for your future, the loss of exclusivity, loss of romance, friendship, sex, and a myriad of daily experiences.

At an early stage in the exposure of infidelity your normal emotional state may be thrown into disarray. Your feelings and thoughts might swing moment by moment, or they might be so jumbled that you don’t know what you’re feeling. If you are numb, you may think there’s something wrong with you because you’re not feeling.

Following a trauma an initial sense of numbness is a way of protecting ourselves from overwhelming intense pain. These feelings will usually surface at some later time; people react differently to traumatic events.

Although the meaning of an infidelity will vary between people, and personal reactions differ, generally a partner’s affair or secret life involves violations of core assumptions about your life together, and about yourself. We ask ourselves questions such as, can trust ever be restored, will this pain ever go away; when will I cease feeling so angry, hurt, lost, broken, scared and vulnerable? You may start questioning your assumptions about yourself, wondering, “how could I be such a fool? I can’t trust my own judgement anymore.” Our relationships are built upon the fragile agreement that those about whom we care most deeply, will behave in large part so as not to hurt us. A betrayal can shatter that belief, and open the door to the possibility that things in one’s small, intimate world, are not as safe as we believed.

Possible reactions to betrayal

You feel profoundly vulnerable and unsafe.
You’re uncertain about your own worth or attractiveness.
You feel as though your emotions can overwhelm you or are out of your control. You find that you have little control of your tears, which can well at any time and in any place.
Your feelings are unpredictable, possibly changing daily or hourly.
Your beliefs about the relationship are shattered – you no longer view your relationship as a source of support or fulfilment.
You retreat emotionally or physically perhaps by withdrawing into prolonged silence or avoiding interaction and seeking separate space.
You feel strong overwhelming emotions such as anger, depression and anxiety.
You have periods of numbness when you don’t feel much of anything at all.
You try to reassure yourself by initiating frequent and intense sexual encounters with your partner, in order to make up for what may have been missing together previously in the bedroom.
You are confused about what you feel and about what you want either now or in the future.
You fear that there have been more betrayals that were not revealed, and that there may be more in the future.
You wonder if you will ever be able to trust your partner again, or any other future partner should you decide to leave this relationship.
You have doubts about the future of your relationship.
You seek revenge, attacking your partner verbally or physically, harming your partner’s relationships with others, or destroying your partner’s property.
You start to believe through extreme negative thinking, that your partner wanted to hurt you so deeply.
You wonder what you did to be lied to and treated with such disrespect and disregard.
You act disoriented, staring at nothing in particular, or wandering about with no apparent purpose or direction.

The initial task when a betrayal is exposed, is learning how to cope with the emotional tumult and distress caused. Recovery from relationship betrayal is a process that you can go through in a healthy manner. The early awful hurt and painful feelings are a normal reaction to a traumatic experience, and they won’t remain as strong or as overwhelming as they are right now. It can and should get better with time. A betrayal puts us in a position where we need to discern what’s best for us. The process of grieving requires us to be kinder toward our pain, allowing ourselves time to heal and understand ourselves, and perhaps our partner, in a more mature way.

In the aftermath of the immediate crisis brought on when a betrayal is revealed it becomes difficult to address practical matters. It is important to not rush into life changing decisions immediately. The issue of whether to stay together (distinct from a temporary moving-out) or not is usually best delayed. Profound emotional pain does not make for clear thinking. An exception to this might be when the revelation creates “a last straw” situation that clarifies to either or both partners that the relationship is now over.

In reaching any decision, it is important to understand what was happening for both of you that set the stage for an affair. Rather than acting impulsively, you and your partner will gain greater clarity by taking time to sort out your feelings, and then working at understanding why the affair happened.

In order to determine whether you should work to restore trust in your partner, ask yourself; Is this a new behaviour, or part of an ongoing pattern of untrustworthiness? If it is not part of an ongoing pattern, there may be good reason to take the risk of working with your partner to heal the betrayal.

Most people, who have betrayed someone they love, feel plagued by feelings of guilt, sadness, shame, or remorse. Your own capacity to hurt a loved one may also damage your own self- esteem and identity.

After a romantic betrayal, it is common for people to avoid reaching out to their usual support system, because they don’t want to share their shame or humiliation. If you have been betrayed, you might need help to control the damage caused to your individual identity, your self- esteem, and your feelings of security in the world.

Not every betrayal is caused by a problem in the union, sometimes one of the partners has psychological issues or intimacy issues that are expressed through behaviour that hurts the relationship. The betrayed person could seek to better understand his or her partner, and this understanding can allow one to assess the probability that the problem behaviour will occur again – a vital step to restoring trust. The most important predictor of rebuilding trust after an affair, other than love, is the capacity of both members of the couple to look at their part in creating what happened.

Rebuilding trust after a betrayal isn’t easy and is rarely a quick process. But most couples that succeed find that their relationships are much stronger for the effort. “Success in repairing” does not mean papering over the betrayal out of a desperate need to not be left, or be disapproved of, or of fear of facing up to and dealing with painful realities.

If you need help to make sense of a betrayal in your relationship, either individually or as a couple, please feel free to contact me.